Lapses are NORMAL!

I feel as though I havent made a blog post in FOREVER, even though it's really only been a few weeks. So I apologize to anyone who is used to reading my blog posts more frequently. These past few weeks I have been really struggling. Mentally and Physically. I'm disappointed to say that I have given in to some of my ED urges. BUT I do plan on getting back on track as soon as I can.I have been hesitant on blogging due to the fact that I created this blog to help myself and others on their journey to recovery. But I've realized something. Lapses/slip ups are a part of recovery! it's normal!YES, Normal.  I shouldn't be disappointed in myself, the more time I spend being upset with how I've done badly I could be using on better things like trying to make myself happy, so that then i can get back on track with recovering.

So, for all of you with ED's out there, it's ok if you slip up! Ofcourse it's not the BEST thing to happen. Staying on track the whole way is the best way. But is it the most realistic? NO. We all make mistakes. We all have given into ED once or twice while on our road to recovery. SO WHAT?

The thing that REALLY matters is how we push ourselves back up from these slips in recovery. And, I know that i'm capable of doing this, as are you. So, bring it ED!

Walk Away from a Broken Machine

"She had gone to the snack area to quench her thirst. She properly inserted her dollar bill and made a selection. The soda machine rattled, but nothing came out. So, she inserted more and more money. She hit the "coin return" button but no money was returned. Then, she started to scream at the machine. In a fit of frustration, she shook and hit the machine. No matter how much time, energy and money she invested, the soda would not come out. The machine was clearly broken. She had to choose whether to continue to fight all day with the soda machine or accept her loss and walk away toward more fulfilling activities in her life. She could continue to invest time, energy, and more money in this machine, or she could choose to cut her losses and walk away. She chose to walk away and give up the battle against the broken machine."

This is a huge metaphor for something, I, and possibly many of you are dealing with. I'm able to connect this fiasco to my problem. It's not her fault the machine was broken. She did everything possible for it to work. And she deserved the soda, but  fixing  this machine was out of her control. Likewise my family is broken. I deserve, and as do you, a supportive family. Theres nothing I can do to change my family. They are the way they are. Just adding more money wouldnt make the soda machine work, dropping pounds wont make my family more supportive or love me more. I can not control any of this. The only thing i can control is how I react to these feelings of loneliness and worthlessness.  I can either keep hurting and wasting away my life for something that will never happen, or I can accept that my family is "broken" and focus on moving on with my life.

I'm working to stop putting money into my "family machine"..It's very hard to accept..but I know that I will be able to, and one day move on with my life. You will too.

A House is Not a Home

"So you don't care about any of us?"My brother asked as the rest of my family stared up at my father who was peering in the opposite direction.

"I don't care anymore" My dad replied hastily as he left the room.
I held my younger brother as he began to cry."It's going to be OK" I told him repeatedly. My other siblings sat in awe. 'What now?' I thought.

   There are no words to describe the disaster that occurred in my house last night. It feels like every possible thing that could go wrong in a household has gone wrong. Anorexia, body-distortion disorder, self-injury, depression, issues from sexuality, money problems/debt, verbal abuse, anger issues, victims of bullying, self-esteem issues, perfectionism..and much more.

   A big trigger for me is feeling unsafe. I use my eating disorder to help me feel safe, it acts as a safety blanket. And last night, I felt anything but safe. And still do.

  Since then, I've really been trying to use my coping skills, and they've been working pretty well but I still feel very uneasy and anxious about everything

   And to top it all off, my mom mentioned to me again that she may have to put me in inpatient for a second time. This actually surprised me.Lately I have been following my meal plan much more than ever before, but I know that I can do better.  I really have to prove myself worthy of recovery at home.

"The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most

Just gotta keep going"- The Climb. Miley Cyrus