Trying to Break Free...

I wanted to start this post with a little update, since it's been awhile. About 6 weeks after leaving Remuda, my health got worse and worse. I had to be hospitalized, then sent inpatient at a hospital called the Lindner Center. I spent 16 days in there! Then shortly after I began partial hospitalization since my insurance only covered a certan number of days. Im currently in the parttial program..but  my insurance could stop paying any day now, and it terrifies me, because Im not ready. Not in the least. In the program what ive been trying to focus most on is trying to find motivation or hope in recovery, as well as trying to separate myself from my ED identity.  I decided to write a letter to my ED, to help me try and separate the two of us. Because, the real, true, happy, bubbly Kassidy is still here..just really deep down..and I want to unleash her again.

Dear ED, 

   Im writing you this letter because i'm sick and tired of your constant abuse. Because of  you, I feel anxious and terrified of one of the biggest things I need in order to survive. I've used you to feel a greater sense of control. But, what Ive realized is you end up giving me anything but CONTROL, because you take that away from me. It's always ED running my life, never Kassidy.
   I have no real relationships because 24/7 I'm consumed in an abusive relationship with you. Because of you, I've lost myself. I was once a happy, confident, bubbly child. Now....I dont know who I am.
   I want to be happy again! I want to have friends! I want to smile in the mirror! I want to enjoy my birthday cake! And, most of all, I want to LIVE! something I cant do with you in my life.
   This is not only a letter, but a breakup. I am breaking up wit you. I dont deserve your abuse. I can and WILL cut the ties I have with you! I know it wont be easy, but it will DEFINITELY be worth it.

Sincerely NOT yours,
Kassidy