The Letter...

I got a letter today.
Who from?
Me, 8 months ago.
It was a letter I wrote to myself while in my first week in a partial-hospitalization.
I had to write what was going on in my life at that moment in time and what I hope to accomplish by the time I received the letter again.

My eyes filled with tears as I read through the letter...

Here are a few excerpts:


"I hope that by the time you read this I will be healthier, and enjoying a healthier lifestyle"
No and No.
"I hope that by the time I read this i'll be able to smile at my reflection in the mirror"

No

"I hope that things will be better at home"

Not even close...

Not ONE of the things I'd hoped to happen has happened. 

Not ONE.

Zero 

And, it makes me think that maybe I'll never be able to have those things. Maybe I'll never reach a healthy weight. Maybe I'll never smile at my reflection. Maybe things at home will never get better. Maybe I'll never recover.

And I apologize,To my former self. The letter reminded me of a time when I felt hopeful, like there was a chance I could recover.
What happened to her?
I need to find her again.
I want to want recovery. But right now I dont. And I dont know how I can make myself want it again.

"Hope is the thing with feathers.."

The wind rushes through my hair as the freshly cut grass prickles at my skin. I  hear a loud noise and I turn my head in its direction to see a bird. It's chirping jubilantly. It's wing is cut and it twitches as the bird arches into the ground and quickly emerge with a worm. It devours it and begins to fly off . After a few feet off the ground it collapses. The bird arises and wobbles hesitantly. It begins to try and take off again. It's body leaps into the air. This time it rises higher and higher, it's body trembling, and soon it is gone.

   Right now I am that bird. But I have yet to take another chance at flying. Instead, I stay to the ground. I am damaged. It feels much easier this way. It would be the same for the bird, to stay on the ground rather than fly back into the sky and take a chance at falling or risking further injury.
I'm scared. I admit it.
    Ive crawled back into my comfort zone, my ED. I feel like it's taken over once again. Im afraid to try and separate myself from my ED again. I'm afraid of what will happen in the future without it. I feel like it defines me, it supports me, it is me, or atleast, a part of me.  Right now, I don't want recovery. At all.
   But , recently Ive thought more about what happened to that bird. Yes, it may have fallen back down, but for that moment. It was free, it was beautiful. I haven't  felt free in years because of my ED. I want freedom and I hope this can serve as some sort of motivation for me to try and get back on track