Who Am I?

I've realized that a big thing holding me back with recovery is the question of "who am I without anorexia?" I cant remember the person I was before, and the anorexia has become a part of me. Without it I feel like I'm normal, just some other face in the crowd. Nobody.  But then I also think of who I am with anorexia. Which is practically a walking zombie. It's as if Im not dead but I'm not alive either. Im living in this little world that my eating disorder has pushed me into. The world is terrible and painful. But, at the same time it feels safe. The world has you convinced that thin=happiness. If i'm miserable now, I can lose a few pounds, than I'll be happy. But No. You never are happy. You have to keep losing more and more. But it's no longer to be happy. It's to be you. Because anorexia has snuck in. It was there with you all along and now your locked in it's chains, and it has become a part of you.

To begin true recovery, I have to find myself again. The old me. The happy me. I need that extra push. Not from my parents, not from my siblings, and not from my doctors, I need the push to come from within myself. I need to WANT to recover fully. I need to find that girl who used to be "Miss Happy Go Lucky". I need to find me again. I need to.