I honestly dont know what to do anymore. Ive never hated myself this much or felt so hopeless my whole life. My anorexia keeps getting worse and worse, and has completely taken all control. I've gotten to the point where I cant even glance in a mirror without hearing "You're FAT!" or "Lose more weight!"
I recently had a dietitian appointment, and all she told me was she doesnt know what else to do, and I need more intense care.She told me she's worried about the condition of my physical and mental health right now. But honestly, Im not worried. Not one bit. Because, I honestly dont care what happens to me anymore. Im not strong enough to fight this disorder on my own. My mom is in the process of applying me for a scholarship to get me back full time at Remuda Ranch but, there's only about a 1 in a million chance i'd get in because thousands of people apply and only 2 scholarships are being given away.
I feel like my whole life has fallen apart.
I feel alone.
and depressed.
and I need help.
I cant do this.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
i'M ALIVE!!!
This is my first blog entry since my stay at Remuda Ranch and Remuda LIFE. As many of my readers know I was sent to Arizona to this treatment center because I've been really struggling with my ED. Sadly though, my stay at Remuda was cut short due to insurance coverage
I can honestly say I'm nowhere ready to be home right now. Almost nothing has changed since leaving for Remuda.
Rather than going on about the negatives of my experience there, I'd like to state some of the positives; For instance, the support at Remuda is truly amazing. Staff is helpful, but I think that the group of girls I was surrounded with was truly amazing. I am extremely grateful for the support and kind words from many of the patients whom I was with there. Also, I did learn a few skills at Remuda. But, I think the one I could truly commit to is just plain distraction skills, especially during meal times. Another thing I gained from being at Remuda was a little more appreciation, and less fear of food. Im even making one of the recipes I learned there tonight!
Now, Im sure you want to here about some of the negatives, so I'll go ahead and tell you of the one that stood out the most; the groups, especially at Remuda LIFE werent very helpful. The best therapy at Remuda was just talking with all the girls. Especially since everyone dreaded going to the groups, and even the therapist or nurse leading the group seemed uninterested. I think it wouldve been a better experience if the patients got to choose what they wanted to learn rather than the subject of each group being chosen ahead of time .
My memories from Remuda can never be forgotten. It was a very inspirational experience. It still puts a smile on my face thinking about the many girls at Remuda who were so hopeful and really wanted recovery. I really wish I were like that! Because, right now I'm feeling really hopeless, and a greater part of me doesnt want recovery. I really, desperately want to be free of ED, but I cant help the yearning feeling I have for it each day, for all the things it does give me (i.e; identity, control, companionship,expression, safety)
For now, all I can say is that I'm just taking one day at a time and I hope that one day down the road I can be free and happy with my body,food, mind, and life!
I can honestly say I'm nowhere ready to be home right now. Almost nothing has changed since leaving for Remuda.
Rather than going on about the negatives of my experience there, I'd like to state some of the positives; For instance, the support at Remuda is truly amazing. Staff is helpful, but I think that the group of girls I was surrounded with was truly amazing. I am extremely grateful for the support and kind words from many of the patients whom I was with there. Also, I did learn a few skills at Remuda. But, I think the one I could truly commit to is just plain distraction skills, especially during meal times. Another thing I gained from being at Remuda was a little more appreciation, and less fear of food. Im even making one of the recipes I learned there tonight!
Now, Im sure you want to here about some of the negatives, so I'll go ahead and tell you of the one that stood out the most; the groups, especially at Remuda LIFE werent very helpful. The best therapy at Remuda was just talking with all the girls. Especially since everyone dreaded going to the groups, and even the therapist or nurse leading the group seemed uninterested. I think it wouldve been a better experience if the patients got to choose what they wanted to learn rather than the subject of each group being chosen ahead of time .
My memories from Remuda can never be forgotten. It was a very inspirational experience. It still puts a smile on my face thinking about the many girls at Remuda who were so hopeful and really wanted recovery. I really wish I were like that! Because, right now I'm feeling really hopeless, and a greater part of me doesnt want recovery. I really, desperately want to be free of ED, but I cant help the yearning feeling I have for it each day, for all the things it does give me (i.e; identity, control, companionship,expression, safety)
For now, all I can say is that I'm just taking one day at a time and I hope that one day down the road I can be free and happy with my body,food, mind, and life!
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