Happy

Hey everyone!
I hope everyone is having a happy Tuesday! To say I am would be an understatement!
I got to see my old treatment team (because switches in insurance and blah blah blah) and anyways, it was just amazing. Just talking about all the POSITIVE and AWESOME stuff that I've been able to do since being in treatment.

I never EVER thought I could be this happy, especially in regards to just happy with myself.
It's one thing to be told good things, but when you're able to accept and say those things to yourself, it is just AMAZING!

I used to think these were things I'd struggle on and off with my whole life, and I guess a part of me knows those things are always going to be looming in my head. But right now, I think being recovered EMPHASIS on the -ed part, is very much possible.

If you are able to believe in yourself, and fight for yourself, not for your family, not for your friend, not because your doctors tell you to, is what makes recovery more real. When you are able to push yourself and move forward, life opens up for you. And life is amazing if you let it be, you have to look at all the good that's out there over the bad.

Anyways, in other news I have homecoming this weekend! :O so excited! And, yeah. So have a great rest of the day.

P.S. If you havent already. Try Starbucks' Salted Caramel Mocha! I originally went to get the Pumpkin Spice Latte, but they were out!!!! But this is just as tasty and it's good to try something new!!! YUM

Be Strong...

Be Strong everyone <3 It does get better.

Becoming

I haven't changed, I've simply become more myself....

School, Scales, and Tattoos...OH MY!

It's been a bit since I posted last, and it's amazing how much has happened in that time!
I smashed a scale to pieces
I started school
I got my TATTOO (YES!)


So first off, scale.
Yes, you heard right, I took the hammer to it :)

It was one of the most liberating things I've ever experienced. I was pissed off at the piece of metal that once held so much value. I thought of all the time I spent focusing on weight and calories when I could've been out making friends, kissing boys, just in general LIVING. And I calmly picked up the hammer....and BEAT THE SHIT outta it!
I encourage you to do the same.



Ok, next. Yes school started! I'm actually in a building...with people! The last time I was in a school building was miserable. And now, I'm actually kinda, sorta enjoying it?....yeah.  Im ahead of my studies and was even elected to be part of the Student Advisory Council!!! So I'm happy about that! VERY happy!


Oh, and lets save the best for last. I GOT MY TATTOO! I GOT MY TATTOO! I GOT MY TATTOO! :D YAY! I love it! It came out exactly how I wanted, and suprisingly wasnt very painful, at all.  It states "Free Yourself". To me it means, Free Yourself from ED, from people who try to hold you back, from abuse, from ANYTHING THAT HOLDS YOU BACK!

Summer Vacay Comes to an End...

For many of us summer vacation is coming to an end, here's a bit of a recap...

  This summer has been the longest, strangest, scariest, most worthwhile time of my life in a long time since my ED.  Ive formed relationships with amazing people. This summer, Ive been 'out and about' more than ever! Through all the fun and friends Ive been really able to enjoy my life! And just a couple weeks ago I went on a mini vacation where I got to ride horses, something that at first terrified me! I also had my first toasted marshmallow ever in 4 years!!!
    On the other side, there are the struggles. I am not in my home. I had to be taken from my home. I have no power to be put back in the custody of my family. And I feel like my family relationships are stressed especially due to me being here. It makes me feel guilty, in a way, I have no control in being here, in this new home, yet should I be enjoying myself? Should I be happy when Im not at my home? Yes, and no. I deserve to be happy, no matter where. But this doesnt mean that the reason I'm happy is because soley me being away from my home.
 
Furthermore, Im not going to let my home/living situation interfere with my recovery. I've worked too long and hard to get to the state that Im in and Im not gonna let anything demolish my progress.

I start back to school next Wednesday!!! Goodbye SUMMER! AU REVOIR!  Anyways, yes, the first time being in a school building since my ED!! YAY. I'm really excited. I feel really confident about it! I hope everyone else's summer vacation has been enjoyable!

Loving me for ME not my Body

Today marks 7 weeks without ED behaviors. 5 weeks without self harm behaviors. Ive never felt such freedom.

Anyways, on to my post!
I have written a similar post in the past, but I hope that this one sets a little more strength because I'm able to TRULY believe these things, and I hope you can practice positive self exercises to aid your recovery.
Ive decided since the past few months since reaching a healthy weight that stressing about clothing sizes is a HUGE waste of time. Within the past two weeks Ive been in several stores and my pant size was a different number in each store! I would beat down myself if I didnt fit into size X or Y at this store, but if I fit into that size in another store, than I HAD to get them! Even if I liked the prior item of clothing more based not on the size.
And it just clicked to me...
"Who gives a damn about my pant size?"
"How does my size determine my worth?" ...well I'll tell you right now...IT DOESNT.

People see you for the person you are on the inside. That may sound corny to some of you now, but think about it. If your friend was introducing you to someone are they going to say "This is my friend, size x, this tall, and this wide" ?  Ofcourse not! They're going to say "This is my friend Kassidy!" . We are more than the numbers that we let consume so much of our time and energy. That time could be spent having fun, that energy can be spent working on loving and accepting yourself.

So what if you're a size 2,4,9,12,14?!!! YOU ARE NOT A NUMBER. You are you. And you are beautiful as you are. Dont let anyone or anything make you think any less.

A year ago, today...

A year ago today I was rushing off to Arizona; on my way to a treatment center; Remuda Ranch.Today, I'm rushing to go shopping, take art classes, hang out at the Y, and be with friends.

A year ago today I was terrified of everything, especially the future.
Today, I see good things to come, and Im open to change.

A year ago today, I didnt think recovery was possible.
Today, I'm living and learning in it.

A year ago today, I hated every aspect of myself.
Today, I'm learning to love myself.

A year ago today I felt so alone.
Today, I realize, I never was.

A year ago today, I wasnt myself.
Today, I'm becoming myself!!!

A year ago today, I thought I was forever broken.
Today Im gluing the pieces back together.

A year ago today, I never thought I would write something such as this. And, throughout this year has brought many struggles and hardships. But, they've helped shape me into who I am today.

Happy Independence Day everyone!!!

Quand on veut, on peut (When you want it, you can do it)

Yes, Im back to blogging!!! (everyone cheers...just kidding )

Anyways alot has changed over the past few months. I was admitted Inpatient again for about 4 weeks. From there I was placed in a foster home. I know the question alot of people have been asking me is "Why?!" I wont go too in depth, but the main reason was it just wasnt the most supportive, stable environment for my recovery. Things need to be worked on, and if they're not, I may never go back. That being said, I also want to point out that there are alot of misconceptions about foster homes. Alot of people think the foster parents are harsh or not responsible, but truth is the adults who contract to be a foster parent must go through rigorous testing often to ensure they are the right fit. Yes, there have been few cases where things didnt turn out well, but there are many more that turn out great. And, I assure you that I am treated well, and taken care of. 

Sure there are many times, when Im lying in bed, in tears, because this isnt my home, its not my bed. There's no place like home, but right now home feels more like a cove of landmines.

Things here have been going really well. I havent felt this good about the future, recovery, or myself in probably my entire life. I like that in being here, Im treated like a human being, just like;Kassidy. Most everyone in the home doesnt even know I have an eating disorder. This, I really like because no one is walking on eggshells or treating me differently because my illness,  that's not who I am. I actually feel like Im becoming the person I want to be, not the person I felt people wanted me to be. Im living! Im hanging out with friends, going shopping, meeting people, getting a job, laughing, enjoying life!!! Sometimes I have moments where I just stop and think, like "who is this person?" Im doing things because I really want to do them, saying what I want to say, no holding back. It's a really freeing feeling.

Im so incredibly grateful for the people in my life. My doctors, therapists, family, and friends that I cannot thank enough. Without you guys, I dont think I couldve made it to where I am today.

I also included an update video here it is if you'd like to watch.(sound quality is a bit bad, sorry) If you have any ideas about what my next video or blog update should be, comment or message me the idea! Thanks! Have a great day, and be strong <3

Who Defines Beauty?

Positive Post

 I thought I should make a more positive post, since the last post/video wasnt too positive. So, here it goes.  Ive been thinking about recovery alot today since I had a check-in appointment with my doctor from the center I was inpatient at. You know being in recovery sucks some times, but honestly there are these moments that make it all the more worth it.  Those times when I can jump on a trampoline with my brother and not feel like I'm gonna pass out, when I can play with a puppy and not be thinking about how fat my thighs are, or how many calories I had today,ect, ect...Recovery isnt about  being perfect!!! You dont wake up everyday with an amazing attitude or a great body-image. You will have your bad days, you may slip up. BUT ITS OK!!!! True recovery is about looking in the mirror on those days where you feel terrible,fat, hopeless, like you wanna give up and telling yourself "You got this!" "You are beautiful and strong and HEALTHY" Oh and yeah, "HEALTHY IS A GOOD THING!" its a great thing and Im not just talking about weight restoration which some people focus too much on, im talking about mentally being able to think more clearly. Its about when you're brain is nourished more to the point where you have a stronger grip over your thoughts and actions. So that when  the ED voice is picking at your brain you can tell him to F-OFF!. Because its a great feeling knowing Im not 24/7 consumed with my ED, always engaging in behaviors or planning on engaging in behaviors . I have time to be ME! Play with puppies, dance, laugh, smile, go shopping, go to school, swim, go on a trampoline, hang out with friends, draw...LIVE! No one can take those things away from me..especially not that scumbag ED!!!! 

When I looked into my doctors eyes I could see that he was proud of me. He was grinning from ear to ear.....He's proud of me, so many people there are proud of me, people outside of there. So many people believe I can get through this. If they can feel those things, whats wrong with me feeling them? I have to give myself some credit right? So much of the time I'm picking at myself at all the little things I mess up on, when I should be focusing on the things Im doing well.

"So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit, Its when things seem worst that you must not quit"

My Secrets...

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

49 days.

49 days in an inpatient center. Fighting against my eating disorder. Fighting for ME.

 I think this is the first time in my life I've ever felt this happy and hopeful towards recovery. In those 7 weeks I met some amazing people, I've faced challenges, I've been finding myself.  Ive learned that I deserve recovery, that people like me for ME, not my eating disorder, I can make the choice to be positive and choose how I react to things,  that healthy is a good thing and that most importantly;  I have the strength to recover. It's been in me all along. I think it just took a little time for me to dig down deep and find it. Other times I thought I had to rely on other people to support me and push me through everything, for everyone to completely stop all the things they do that trigger me.....but honestly how realistic is that? Sure, support is definitely key in helping sustain my recovery, but I cant rely on everyone, and expect everyone to act the way I'd like. Because life's a trigger. Even if my Dad tapes his mouth shut so he cant yell or judge anymore, if my sibling stops talking about body image, i'm going to end up facing it in the outside world. And i have to be able to deal with it because turning to my eating disorder is not the option I want anymore. I've been practicing supporting myself and dealing with the triggers around me. Because these are the things that will make me stronger.

 If you were to talk to me 50 days ago, I would've told you that im a hopeless case. That there's no use anymore, no point in trying. But you know what this time to focus on myself has proved?! Im not hopeless, and i've been kicking EDs butt CONTINUOUSLY!

And i'm not gonna lie to you, at first this recovery process is painful, so so so uncomfortably painful. Everything. Eating, trying to fight and challenge ED's thoughts. But what I had to do was  PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE, fighting over and over again, fighting the urges. because overtime it does get easier and my recovery voice got stronger. Im laughing more than crying. Sure, ive had some bad moments, heck, i've had bad days, But you know what? The worst days in recovery are better than the best days in relapse.

 "But, as bad as it was, I learned something about myself. That I could go through something like that and survive. I mean, I know it could have been worse—a lot worse—but for me, it was all I could have handled at the time. And I learned from it."

And let me tell you this feeling is so worth it. Its worth the tears when I got an NG tube  , when I eat a fear food, when I feel so ugly and fat, when my nutritionist tells me she's adding food. Because at the end of the day I feel an overwhelming amount of strength in myself. If i can fight my inner demon, the thing that abuses me the most, that manipulates me, that tries to consume me, what CANT i do?

Anna Rexia

Do you want in on the latest halloween costume this year? No, its not the Jersey Shore cast, nor lady GaGa
Meet a new halloween on shelves.."Anna Rexia". The costume includes a black body suit with a skeleton imprint,  bone headband, a heart name tag, measuring tape ribbon and a measuring tape choker. AND ironically the costume is featured in Plus-size.

I. Am. Outraged.    

As if the media doesnt glamorize eating disorders already!!! Now you can dress up as a deadly disease which has taken the lives of hundreds of thousands of sufferers.
When I first found out about this costume I felt sick to my stomach. My eating disorder has ruined me mentally, and physically and people are actually making a joke out of it!
I just wish the creators of this costume knew the true reality of eating disorders, because if they did I'm sure they wouldnt have created it.

Trying to Break Free...

I wanted to start this post with a little update, since it's been awhile. About 6 weeks after leaving Remuda, my health got worse and worse. I had to be hospitalized, then sent inpatient at a hospital called the Lindner Center. I spent 16 days in there! Then shortly after I began partial hospitalization since my insurance only covered a certan number of days. Im currently in the parttial program..but  my insurance could stop paying any day now, and it terrifies me, because Im not ready. Not in the least. In the program what ive been trying to focus most on is trying to find motivation or hope in recovery, as well as trying to separate myself from my ED identity.  I decided to write a letter to my ED, to help me try and separate the two of us. Because, the real, true, happy, bubbly Kassidy is still here..just really deep down..and I want to unleash her again.

Dear ED, 

   Im writing you this letter because i'm sick and tired of your constant abuse. Because of  you, I feel anxious and terrified of one of the biggest things I need in order to survive. I've used you to feel a greater sense of control. But, what Ive realized is you end up giving me anything but CONTROL, because you take that away from me. It's always ED running my life, never Kassidy.
   I have no real relationships because 24/7 I'm consumed in an abusive relationship with you. Because of you, I've lost myself. I was once a happy, confident, bubbly child. Now....I dont know who I am.
   I want to be happy again! I want to have friends! I want to smile in the mirror! I want to enjoy my birthday cake! And, most of all, I want to LIVE! something I cant do with you in my life.
   This is not only a letter, but a breakup. I am breaking up wit you. I dont deserve your abuse. I can and WILL cut the ties I have with you! I know it wont be easy, but it will DEFINITELY be worth it.

Sincerely NOT yours,
Kassidy

Hopeless???

I honestly dont know what to do anymore. Ive never hated myself this much or felt so hopeless my whole life. My anorexia keeps getting worse and worse, and has completely taken all control. I've gotten to the point where I cant even glance in a mirror without hearing "You're FAT!" or "Lose more weight!"

I recently had a dietitian appointment, and all she told me was she doesnt know what else to do, and I need more intense care.She told me she's worried about the condition of my physical and mental health right now. But honestly, Im not worried. Not one bit. Because, I honestly dont care what happens to me anymore. Im not strong enough to fight this disorder on my own.    My mom is in the process of applying me for a scholarship to get me back full time at Remuda Ranch but, there's only about a 1 in a million chance i'd get in because thousands of people apply and only 2 scholarships are being given away.

I feel like my whole life has fallen apart.
I feel alone.
 and depressed.
and I need help.

 I cant do this.

i'M ALIVE!!!

This is my first blog entry since my stay at Remuda Ranch and Remuda LIFE. As many of my readers know I was sent to Arizona to this treatment center because I've been really struggling with my ED. Sadly though, my stay at Remuda was cut short due to insurance coverage

I can honestly say I'm nowhere ready to be home right now. Almost nothing has changed since leaving for Remuda.
Rather than going on about the negatives of my experience there, I'd like to state some of the positives; For instance, the support at Remuda is truly amazing. Staff is helpful, but I think that the group of girls I was surrounded with was truly amazing. I am extremely grateful for the support and kind words from many of the patients whom I was with there. Also, I did learn a few skills at Remuda. But, I think the one I could truly commit to is just plain distraction skills, especially during meal times. Another thing I gained from being at Remuda was a little more appreciation, and less fear of food. Im even making one of the recipes I learned there tonight!

Now, Im sure you want to here about some of the negatives, so I'll go ahead and tell you of the one that stood out the most; the groups, especially at Remuda LIFE werent very helpful. The best therapy at Remuda was just talking with all the girls. Especially since everyone dreaded going to the groups, and even the therapist or nurse leading the group seemed uninterested. I think it wouldve been a better experience if the patients got to choose what they wanted to learn rather than the subject of each group being chosen ahead of time .

My memories from Remuda can never be forgotten. It was a very inspirational experience. It still puts a smile on my face thinking about the many girls at Remuda who were so hopeful and really wanted recovery. I really wish I were like that! Because, right now I'm feeling really hopeless, and a greater part of me doesnt want recovery. I really, desperately want to be free of ED, but I cant help the yearning feeling I have for it each day, for all the things it does give me (i.e; identity, control, companionship,expression, safety)

For now, all I can say is that  I'm just taking one day at a time and I hope that one day down the road I can be free and happy with my body,food,  mind, and life!

The Letter...

I got a letter today.
Who from?
Me, 8 months ago.
It was a letter I wrote to myself while in my first week in a partial-hospitalization.
I had to write what was going on in my life at that moment in time and what I hope to accomplish by the time I received the letter again.

My eyes filled with tears as I read through the letter...

Here are a few excerpts:


"I hope that by the time you read this I will be healthier, and enjoying a healthier lifestyle"
No and No.
"I hope that by the time I read this i'll be able to smile at my reflection in the mirror"

No

"I hope that things will be better at home"

Not even close...

Not ONE of the things I'd hoped to happen has happened. 

Not ONE.

Zero 

And, it makes me think that maybe I'll never be able to have those things. Maybe I'll never reach a healthy weight. Maybe I'll never smile at my reflection. Maybe things at home will never get better. Maybe I'll never recover.

And I apologize,To my former self. The letter reminded me of a time when I felt hopeful, like there was a chance I could recover.
What happened to her?
I need to find her again.
I want to want recovery. But right now I dont. And I dont know how I can make myself want it again.

"Hope is the thing with feathers.."

The wind rushes through my hair as the freshly cut grass prickles at my skin. I  hear a loud noise and I turn my head in its direction to see a bird. It's chirping jubilantly. It's wing is cut and it twitches as the bird arches into the ground and quickly emerge with a worm. It devours it and begins to fly off . After a few feet off the ground it collapses. The bird arises and wobbles hesitantly. It begins to try and take off again. It's body leaps into the air. This time it rises higher and higher, it's body trembling, and soon it is gone.

   Right now I am that bird. But I have yet to take another chance at flying. Instead, I stay to the ground. I am damaged. It feels much easier this way. It would be the same for the bird, to stay on the ground rather than fly back into the sky and take a chance at falling or risking further injury.
I'm scared. I admit it.
    Ive crawled back into my comfort zone, my ED. I feel like it's taken over once again. Im afraid to try and separate myself from my ED again. I'm afraid of what will happen in the future without it. I feel like it defines me, it supports me, it is me, or atleast, a part of me.  Right now, I don't want recovery. At all.
   But , recently Ive thought more about what happened to that bird. Yes, it may have fallen back down, but for that moment. It was free, it was beautiful. I haven't  felt free in years because of my ED. I want freedom and I hope this can serve as some sort of motivation for me to try and get back on track

Semi-Sweet 16

As of yesterday I am officially 16!!!
Who wouldnt be excited?
ME.
The truth is, I'm terrified
Growing up makes me think of having to graduate soon, and moving out soon, and being on my own. And, when I think of being alone, it makes me think of my eating disorder. It makes it so easy to give into when I'm by myself.
For the past month in a half, Ive been struggling very much with my ED. Things in my life are crazy stressful right now, and i've been doing badly with using ED as a coping method.
Even on my birthday, all I had all day was a conflict with my ED. My family was going to go to Red Robin for a special birthday dinner and, at the last minute, I decided to go. And I'm so glad I did. I had a great time and I enjoyed the food. Though I wasnt able to finish all of it, I still consider it a great success! This was the first time I've challenged my ED in a long, long time, and it turned out even better than I imagined.

So, for everyone struggling with an ED, I encourage you to challenge him. Im not saying it's easy. But it's very much worth it.

"Dont let the sadness of your past and your fear of the future ruin the happiness of your present"



Beauty isn't a Number...

I stood in the Kohls dressing room.
The room next to me I overheard a woman complaining about how the size 9 jeans she was trying on were too tight and the sizes at this store are "messed up". She went on to say that she'd rather go to Old Navy so that she would fit into her usual 9. The woman could've easily gotten the next size up and bought the jeans here. It made me think,  how much numbers can mess with our heads.

When I arrived home, I did some research . I read an article about how many stylists who dress celebrities cut out the sizes in their clothing because they know that celebrity wont wear something that is over the size they think they are. It sounds ridiculous, how a little number on a piece of cloth can make or break someones' confidence and view of themselves.

For people with ED's it can be a nightmare shopping, especially for jeans or shorts. It's a big trigger for me and probably for you too.  I know that one day, once I get back to a healthier weight, I'm going to have to slip out of those size zeros.

Once I put ED aside and thought about the worst thing that could happen with having to go up in sizes someday, my mind went blank. The world isnt going to end. No one is going to die. Nothing would be different. It's just a pair of cloth. Each brand makes their sizes differently. Changing sizes wont change my, or anyone else's level of beauty.  Beauty is not defined in the size of your jeans or the number on the scale. Beauty is what people see inside you not on you.