Do you want in on the latest halloween costume this year? No, its not the Jersey Shore cast, nor lady GaGa
Meet a new halloween on shelves.."Anna Rexia". The costume includes a black body suit with a skeleton imprint, bone headband, a heart name tag, measuring tape ribbon and a measuring tape choker. AND ironically the costume is featured in Plus-size.
I. Am. Outraged.
As if the media doesnt glamorize eating disorders already!!! Now you can dress up as a deadly disease which has taken the lives of hundreds of thousands of sufferers.
When I first found out about this costume I felt sick to my stomach. My eating disorder has ruined me mentally, and physically and people are actually making a joke out of it!
I just wish the creators of this costume knew the true reality of eating disorders, because if they did I'm sure they wouldnt have created it.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Trying to Break Free...
I wanted to start this post with a little update, since it's been awhile. About 6 weeks after leaving Remuda, my health got worse and worse. I had to be hospitalized, then sent inpatient at a hospital called the Lindner Center. I spent 16 days in there! Then shortly after I began partial hospitalization since my insurance only covered a certan number of days. Im currently in the parttial program..but my insurance could stop paying any day now, and it terrifies me, because Im not ready. Not in the least. In the program what ive been trying to focus most on is trying to find motivation or hope in recovery, as well as trying to separate myself from my ED identity. I decided to write a letter to my ED, to help me try and separate the two of us. Because, the real, true, happy, bubbly Kassidy is still here..just really deep down..and I want to unleash her again.
Im writing you this letter because i'm sick and tired of your constant abuse. Because of you, I feel anxious and terrified of one of the biggest things I need in order to survive. I've used you to feel a greater sense of control. But, what Ive realized is you end up giving me anything but CONTROL, because you take that away from me. It's always ED running my life, never Kassidy.
I have no real relationships because 24/7 I'm consumed in an abusive relationship with you. Because of you, I've lost myself. I was once a happy, confident, bubbly child. Now....I dont know who I am.
I want to be happy again! I want to have friends! I want to smile in the mirror! I want to enjoy my birthday cake! And, most of all, I want to LIVE! something I cant do with you in my life.
This is not only a letter, but a breakup. I am breaking up wit you. I dont deserve your abuse. I can and WILL cut the ties I have with you! I know it wont be easy, but it will DEFINITELY be worth it.
Sincerely NOT yours,
Kassidy
Im writing you this letter because i'm sick and tired of your constant abuse. Because of you, I feel anxious and terrified of one of the biggest things I need in order to survive. I've used you to feel a greater sense of control. But, what Ive realized is you end up giving me anything but CONTROL, because you take that away from me. It's always ED running my life, never Kassidy.
I have no real relationships because 24/7 I'm consumed in an abusive relationship with you. Because of you, I've lost myself. I was once a happy, confident, bubbly child. Now....I dont know who I am.
I want to be happy again! I want to have friends! I want to smile in the mirror! I want to enjoy my birthday cake! And, most of all, I want to LIVE! something I cant do with you in my life.
This is not only a letter, but a breakup. I am breaking up wit you. I dont deserve your abuse. I can and WILL cut the ties I have with you! I know it wont be easy, but it will DEFINITELY be worth it.
Sincerely NOT yours,
Kassidy
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Hopeless???
I honestly dont know what to do anymore. Ive never hated myself this much or felt so hopeless my whole life. My anorexia keeps getting worse and worse, and has completely taken all control. I've gotten to the point where I cant even glance in a mirror without hearing "You're FAT!" or "Lose more weight!"
I recently had a dietitian appointment, and all she told me was she doesnt know what else to do, and I need more intense care.She told me she's worried about the condition of my physical and mental health right now. But honestly, Im not worried. Not one bit. Because, I honestly dont care what happens to me anymore. Im not strong enough to fight this disorder on my own. My mom is in the process of applying me for a scholarship to get me back full time at Remuda Ranch but, there's only about a 1 in a million chance i'd get in because thousands of people apply and only 2 scholarships are being given away.
I feel like my whole life has fallen apart.
I feel alone.
and depressed.
and I need help.
I cant do this.
I recently had a dietitian appointment, and all she told me was she doesnt know what else to do, and I need more intense care.She told me she's worried about the condition of my physical and mental health right now. But honestly, Im not worried. Not one bit. Because, I honestly dont care what happens to me anymore. Im not strong enough to fight this disorder on my own. My mom is in the process of applying me for a scholarship to get me back full time at Remuda Ranch but, there's only about a 1 in a million chance i'd get in because thousands of people apply and only 2 scholarships are being given away.
I feel like my whole life has fallen apart.
I feel alone.
and depressed.
and I need help.
I cant do this.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
i'M ALIVE!!!
This is my first blog entry since my stay at Remuda Ranch and Remuda LIFE. As many of my readers know I was sent to Arizona to this treatment center because I've been really struggling with my ED. Sadly though, my stay at Remuda was cut short due to insurance coverage
I can honestly say I'm nowhere ready to be home right now. Almost nothing has changed since leaving for Remuda.
Rather than going on about the negatives of my experience there, I'd like to state some of the positives; For instance, the support at Remuda is truly amazing. Staff is helpful, but I think that the group of girls I was surrounded with was truly amazing. I am extremely grateful for the support and kind words from many of the patients whom I was with there. Also, I did learn a few skills at Remuda. But, I think the one I could truly commit to is just plain distraction skills, especially during meal times. Another thing I gained from being at Remuda was a little more appreciation, and less fear of food. Im even making one of the recipes I learned there tonight!
Now, Im sure you want to here about some of the negatives, so I'll go ahead and tell you of the one that stood out the most; the groups, especially at Remuda LIFE werent very helpful. The best therapy at Remuda was just talking with all the girls. Especially since everyone dreaded going to the groups, and even the therapist or nurse leading the group seemed uninterested. I think it wouldve been a better experience if the patients got to choose what they wanted to learn rather than the subject of each group being chosen ahead of time .
My memories from Remuda can never be forgotten. It was a very inspirational experience. It still puts a smile on my face thinking about the many girls at Remuda who were so hopeful and really wanted recovery. I really wish I were like that! Because, right now I'm feeling really hopeless, and a greater part of me doesnt want recovery. I really, desperately want to be free of ED, but I cant help the yearning feeling I have for it each day, for all the things it does give me (i.e; identity, control, companionship,expression, safety)
For now, all I can say is that I'm just taking one day at a time and I hope that one day down the road I can be free and happy with my body,food, mind, and life!
I can honestly say I'm nowhere ready to be home right now. Almost nothing has changed since leaving for Remuda.
Rather than going on about the negatives of my experience there, I'd like to state some of the positives; For instance, the support at Remuda is truly amazing. Staff is helpful, but I think that the group of girls I was surrounded with was truly amazing. I am extremely grateful for the support and kind words from many of the patients whom I was with there. Also, I did learn a few skills at Remuda. But, I think the one I could truly commit to is just plain distraction skills, especially during meal times. Another thing I gained from being at Remuda was a little more appreciation, and less fear of food. Im even making one of the recipes I learned there tonight!
Now, Im sure you want to here about some of the negatives, so I'll go ahead and tell you of the one that stood out the most; the groups, especially at Remuda LIFE werent very helpful. The best therapy at Remuda was just talking with all the girls. Especially since everyone dreaded going to the groups, and even the therapist or nurse leading the group seemed uninterested. I think it wouldve been a better experience if the patients got to choose what they wanted to learn rather than the subject of each group being chosen ahead of time .
My memories from Remuda can never be forgotten. It was a very inspirational experience. It still puts a smile on my face thinking about the many girls at Remuda who were so hopeful and really wanted recovery. I really wish I were like that! Because, right now I'm feeling really hopeless, and a greater part of me doesnt want recovery. I really, desperately want to be free of ED, but I cant help the yearning feeling I have for it each day, for all the things it does give me (i.e; identity, control, companionship,expression, safety)
For now, all I can say is that I'm just taking one day at a time and I hope that one day down the road I can be free and happy with my body,food, mind, and life!
Monday, June 6, 2011
The Letter...
I got a letter today.
Who from?
Me, 8 months ago.
It was a letter I wrote to myself while in my first week in a partial-hospitalization.
I had to write what was going on in my life at that moment in time and what I hope to accomplish by the time I received the letter again.
My eyes filled with tears as I read through the letter...
Here are a few excerpts:
"I hope that by the time you read this I will be healthier, and enjoying a healthier lifestyle"
No and No.
"I hope that by the time I read this i'll be able to smile at my reflection in the mirror"
And, it makes me think that maybe I'll never be able to have those things. Maybe I'll never reach a healthy weight. Maybe I'll never smile at my reflection. Maybe things at home will never get better. Maybe I'll never recover.
And I apologize,To my former self. The letter reminded me of a time when I felt hopeful, like there was a chance I could recover.
What happened to her?
I need to find her again.
I want to want recovery. But right now I dont. And I dont know how I can make myself want it again.
Who from?
Me, 8 months ago.
It was a letter I wrote to myself while in my first week in a partial-hospitalization.
I had to write what was going on in my life at that moment in time and what I hope to accomplish by the time I received the letter again.
My eyes filled with tears as I read through the letter...
Here are a few excerpts:
"I hope that by the time you read this I will be healthier, and enjoying a healthier lifestyle"
No and No.
"I hope that by the time I read this i'll be able to smile at my reflection in the mirror"
No
"I hope that things will be better at home"Not even close...
Not ONE of the things I'd hoped to happen has happened.
Not ONE.
Zero
And, it makes me think that maybe I'll never be able to have those things. Maybe I'll never reach a healthy weight. Maybe I'll never smile at my reflection. Maybe things at home will never get better. Maybe I'll never recover.
And I apologize,To my former self. The letter reminded me of a time when I felt hopeful, like there was a chance I could recover.
What happened to her?
I need to find her again.
I want to want recovery. But right now I dont. And I dont know how I can make myself want it again.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
"Hope is the thing with feathers.."
The wind rushes through my hair as the freshly cut grass prickles at my skin. I hear a loud noise and I turn my head in its direction to see a bird. It's chirping jubilantly. It's wing is cut and it twitches as the bird arches into the ground and quickly emerge with a worm. It devours it and begins to fly off . After a few feet off the ground it collapses. The bird arises and wobbles hesitantly. It begins to try and take off again. It's body leaps into the air. This time it rises higher and higher, it's body trembling, and soon it is gone.
Right now I am that bird. But I have yet to take another chance at flying. Instead, I stay to the ground. I am damaged. It feels much easier this way. It would be the same for the bird, to stay on the ground rather than fly back into the sky and take a chance at falling or risking further injury.I'm scared. I admit it.
Ive crawled back into my comfort zone, my ED. I feel like it's taken over once again. Im afraid to try and separate myself from my ED again. I'm afraid of what will happen in the future without it. I feel like it defines me, it supports me, it is me, or atleast, a part of me. Right now, I don't want recovery. At all.
But , recently Ive thought more about what happened to that bird. Yes, it may have fallen back down, but for that moment. It was free, it was beautiful. I haven't felt free in years because of my ED. I want freedom and I hope this can serve as some sort of motivation for me to try and get back on track
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Semi-Sweet 16
As of yesterday I am officially 16!!!
Who wouldnt be excited?
ME.
The truth is, I'm terrified
Growing up makes me think of having to graduate soon, and moving out soon, and being on my own. And, when I think of being alone, it makes me think of my eating disorder. It makes it so easy to give into when I'm by myself.
For the past month in a half, Ive been struggling very much with my ED. Things in my life are crazy stressful right now, and i've been doing badly with using ED as a coping method.
Even on my birthday, all I had all day was a conflict with my ED. My family was going to go to Red Robin for a special birthday dinner and, at the last minute, I decided to go. And I'm so glad I did. I had a great time and I enjoyed the food. Though I wasnt able to finish all of it, I still consider it a great success! This was the first time I've challenged my ED in a long, long time, and it turned out even better than I imagined.
So, for everyone struggling with an ED, I encourage you to challenge him. Im not saying it's easy. But it's very much worth it.
Who wouldnt be excited?
ME.
The truth is, I'm terrified
Growing up makes me think of having to graduate soon, and moving out soon, and being on my own. And, when I think of being alone, it makes me think of my eating disorder. It makes it so easy to give into when I'm by myself.
For the past month in a half, Ive been struggling very much with my ED. Things in my life are crazy stressful right now, and i've been doing badly with using ED as a coping method.
Even on my birthday, all I had all day was a conflict with my ED. My family was going to go to Red Robin for a special birthday dinner and, at the last minute, I decided to go. And I'm so glad I did. I had a great time and I enjoyed the food. Though I wasnt able to finish all of it, I still consider it a great success! This was the first time I've challenged my ED in a long, long time, and it turned out even better than I imagined.
So, for everyone struggling with an ED, I encourage you to challenge him. Im not saying it's easy. But it's very much worth it.
"Dont let the sadness of your past and your fear of the future ruin the happiness of your present"
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Beauty isn't a Number...
I stood in the Kohls dressing room.
The room next to me I overheard a woman complaining about how the size 9 jeans she was trying on were too tight and the sizes at this store are "messed up". She went on to say that she'd rather go to Old Navy so that she would fit into her usual 9. The woman could've easily gotten the next size up and bought the jeans here. It made me think, how much numbers can mess with our heads.
When I arrived home, I did some research . I read an article about how many stylists who dress celebrities cut out the sizes in their clothing because they know that celebrity wont wear something that is over the size they think they are. It sounds ridiculous, how a little number on a piece of cloth can make or break someones' confidence and view of themselves.
For people with ED's it can be a nightmare shopping, especially for jeans or shorts. It's a big trigger for me and probably for you too. I know that one day, once I get back to a healthier weight, I'm going to have to slip out of those size zeros.
Once I put ED aside and thought about the worst thing that could happen with having to go up in sizes someday, my mind went blank. The world isnt going to end. No one is going to die. Nothing would be different. It's just a pair of cloth. Each brand makes their sizes differently. Changing sizes wont change my, or anyone else's level of beauty. Beauty is not defined in the size of your jeans or the number on the scale. Beauty is what people see inside you not on you.
The room next to me I overheard a woman complaining about how the size 9 jeans she was trying on were too tight and the sizes at this store are "messed up". She went on to say that she'd rather go to Old Navy so that she would fit into her usual 9. The woman could've easily gotten the next size up and bought the jeans here. It made me think, how much numbers can mess with our heads.
When I arrived home, I did some research . I read an article about how many stylists who dress celebrities cut out the sizes in their clothing because they know that celebrity wont wear something that is over the size they think they are. It sounds ridiculous, how a little number on a piece of cloth can make or break someones' confidence and view of themselves.
For people with ED's it can be a nightmare shopping, especially for jeans or shorts. It's a big trigger for me and probably for you too. I know that one day, once I get back to a healthier weight, I'm going to have to slip out of those size zeros.
Once I put ED aside and thought about the worst thing that could happen with having to go up in sizes someday, my mind went blank. The world isnt going to end. No one is going to die. Nothing would be different. It's just a pair of cloth. Each brand makes their sizes differently. Changing sizes wont change my, or anyone else's level of beauty. Beauty is not defined in the size of your jeans or the number on the scale. Beauty is what people see inside you not on you.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Lapses are NORMAL!
I feel as though I havent made a blog post in FOREVER, even though it's really only been a few weeks. So I apologize to anyone who is used to reading my blog posts more frequently. These past few weeks I have been really struggling. Mentally and Physically. I'm disappointed to say that I have given in to some of my ED urges. BUT I do plan on getting back on track as soon as I can.I have been hesitant on blogging due to the fact that I created this blog to help myself and others on their journey to recovery. But I've realized something. Lapses/slip ups are a part of recovery! it's normal!YES, Normal. I shouldn't be disappointed in myself, the more time I spend being upset with how I've done badly I could be using on better things like trying to make myself happy, so that then i can get back on track with recovering.
So, for all of you with ED's out there, it's ok if you slip up! Ofcourse it's not the BEST thing to happen. Staying on track the whole way is the best way. But is it the most realistic? NO. We all make mistakes. We all have given into ED once or twice while on our road to recovery. SO WHAT?
The thing that REALLY matters is how we push ourselves back up from these slips in recovery. And, I know that i'm capable of doing this, as are you. So, bring it ED!
So, for all of you with ED's out there, it's ok if you slip up! Ofcourse it's not the BEST thing to happen. Staying on track the whole way is the best way. But is it the most realistic? NO. We all make mistakes. We all have given into ED once or twice while on our road to recovery. SO WHAT?
The thing that REALLY matters is how we push ourselves back up from these slips in recovery. And, I know that i'm capable of doing this, as are you. So, bring it ED!
Friday, April 15, 2011
Walk Away from a Broken Machine
"She had gone to the snack area to quench her thirst. She properly inserted her dollar bill and made a selection. The soda machine rattled, but nothing came out. So, she inserted more and more money. She hit the "coin return" button but no money was returned. Then, she started to scream at the machine. In a fit of frustration, she shook and hit the machine. No matter how much time, energy and money she invested, the soda would not come out. The machine was clearly broken. She had to choose whether to continue to fight all day with the soda machine or accept her loss and walk away toward more fulfilling activities in her life. She could continue to invest time, energy, and more money in this machine, or she could choose to cut her losses and walk away. She chose to walk away and give up the battle against the broken machine."
This is a huge metaphor for something, I, and possibly many of you are dealing with. I'm able to connect this fiasco to my problem. It's not her fault the machine was broken. She did everything possible for it to work. And she deserved the soda, but fixing this machine was out of her control. Likewise my family is broken. I deserve, and as do you, a supportive family. Theres nothing I can do to change my family. They are the way they are. Just adding more money wouldnt make the soda machine work, dropping pounds wont make my family more supportive or love me more. I can not control any of this. The only thing i can control is how I react to these feelings of loneliness and worthlessness. I can either keep hurting and wasting away my life for something that will never happen, or I can accept that my family is "broken" and focus on moving on with my life.
I'm working to stop putting money into my "family machine"..It's very hard to accept..but I know that I will be able to, and one day move on with my life. You will too.
This is a huge metaphor for something, I, and possibly many of you are dealing with. I'm able to connect this fiasco to my problem. It's not her fault the machine was broken. She did everything possible for it to work. And she deserved the soda, but fixing this machine was out of her control. Likewise my family is broken. I deserve, and as do you, a supportive family. Theres nothing I can do to change my family. They are the way they are. Just adding more money wouldnt make the soda machine work, dropping pounds wont make my family more supportive or love me more. I can not control any of this. The only thing i can control is how I react to these feelings of loneliness and worthlessness. I can either keep hurting and wasting away my life for something that will never happen, or I can accept that my family is "broken" and focus on moving on with my life.
I'm working to stop putting money into my "family machine"..It's very hard to accept..but I know that I will be able to, and one day move on with my life. You will too.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
A House is Not a Home
"So you don't care about any of us?"My brother asked as the rest of my family stared up at my father who was peering in the opposite direction.
"I don't care anymore" My dad replied hastily as he left the room.
I held my younger brother as he began to cry."It's going to be OK" I told him repeatedly. My other siblings sat in awe. 'What now?' I thought.
I held my younger brother as he began to cry."It's going to be OK" I told him repeatedly. My other siblings sat in awe. 'What now?' I thought.
There are no words to describe the disaster that occurred in my house last night. It feels like every possible thing that could go wrong in a household has gone wrong. Anorexia, body-distortion disorder, self-injury, depression, issues from sexuality, money problems/debt, verbal abuse, anger issues, victims of bullying, self-esteem issues, perfectionism..and much more.
A big trigger for me is feeling unsafe. I use my eating disorder to help me feel safe, it acts as a safety blanket. And last night, I felt anything but safe. And still do.
Since then, I've really been trying to use my coping skills, and they've been working pretty well but I still feel very uneasy and anxious about everything
And to top it all off, my mom mentioned to me again that she may have to put me in inpatient for a second time. This actually surprised me.Lately I have been following my meal plan much more than ever before, but I know that I can do better. I really have to prove myself worthy of recovery at home.
"The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
Just gotta keep going"- The Climb. Miley Cyrus
Thursday, March 31, 2011
What I Want to Do...
I've been told my many therapists and doctors that thinking about what I want to accomplish in the future would help get me through some of my ED struggles. Of course, each time I was told this, I ignored it and thought That would never help. That was untill recently I decided to actually take time and make a list of the things I want to do. Here it is....
What I Want to Do...
I encourage you all to make your own lists as well... I wish you all can accomplish your dreams, free from ED, or anything that may be holding you back..One day I will fly.. and you will too.
What I Want to Do...
- Pig out at the movie theater
- Choose food not based on its calorie content
- Graduate high school
- Never have to drink Boost again
- Cook a full course meal, and actually eat it!
- Get my driver's license
- Eat Chinese food
- Join an art class
- Indulge in cake on my birthday
- Speak fluent French
- Rock a bikini without feeling self-conscious
- Accept and embrace my imperfections
- Exercise for fun
- Wear Victoria's Secret clothes, that don't hang off my body
- Enjoy Thanksgiving rather than fearing it
- Have my first kiss
- Go to a party and dance like no ones watching
- Soak in the beauty of a sunset
- Experience a sunrise it its' true glory
- Join a dance class
- Do yoga
- Be able to tell someone "I beat anorexia"
- Go to Disney World
- Meet a celebrity and get their autograph
- Break the mirror with my confidence:)
- Allow myself to eat desserts without feeling guilty
- Go to college or art school
- Visit the Grand Canyon
- Join an aerobics class
- Redecorate an entire room
- Write a book
- Move to California
- Experience true love
- Get married
- Have kids
- Go to the Bahamas
- Get a job I enjoy
- Get my own car
- Plant my own garden
- Swim with dolphins
- Go to Hawaii
- Have my dream home
- Spend Christmas on the beach
- Fly
- Smile...ALOT!
I encourage you all to make your own lists as well... I wish you all can accomplish your dreams, free from ED, or anything that may be holding you back..One day I will fly.. and you will too.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Tumblr...
I started a tumblr blog a few months ago. I think seeing inspirational pictures, as well as quotes is very helpful and I know that it is for alot of other people in recovery as well. The link is included below..ENJOY :)
"Under all that we think, lives all we believe." and I think that my tumblr blog really expresses the things I believe, and want others to believe about life, beauty, and happiness.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
For a Reason...
My therapist eyed me intently "If you could go back in time" she asked, "what would you change?"
"Nothing" I replied. She gave me a strange look, and I nodded and repeated; "Nothing"
There's a huge part of me that wishes I could go back to before my eating disorder began, when it was only a simple diet, and stop myself, somehow. But, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I think my eating disorder is preparing for something, I'm not quite sure what, but i know that I'm not going through this suffering for no reason.
"Nothing" I replied. She gave me a strange look, and I nodded and repeated; "Nothing"
There's a huge part of me that wishes I could go back to before my eating disorder began, when it was only a simple diet, and stop myself, somehow. But, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I think my eating disorder is preparing for something, I'm not quite sure what, but i know that I'm not going through this suffering for no reason.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
I Stand In a Crowded Mall......
I stand. In a crowded mall. Surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of people. Yet, I feel so alone. I shuffle into an open store and search through the racks and racks of clothes. Sizes. Large, Medium, and even Smalls.. I need to find the extra small, the 00. And there isn't anything..I leave the store with nothing...
It's amazing how I can see the sizing as ExtraSmall, yet see myself as being a Large. I know that this is how it is for other people struggling with anorexia as well. I feel like the number is lying to me, like it was a misprint for the sizing, or so ED tells me...
I guess the good thing I can take out of this experience is motivation. Motivation to gain weight, and get healthy, and beat ED and fit into all those cute clothes.
"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced."
It's amazing how I can see the sizing as ExtraSmall, yet see myself as being a Large. I know that this is how it is for other people struggling with anorexia as well. I feel like the number is lying to me, like it was a misprint for the sizing, or so ED tells me...
I guess the good thing I can take out of this experience is motivation. Motivation to gain weight, and get healthy, and beat ED and fit into all those cute clothes.
"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced."
Friday, March 18, 2011
Broken Eyes
I lay on the floor, curled up into a ball with tears streaming down my face, surrounded by piles of clothes I've tried on everything and I cant stand the sight of myself in any of them. I finally stand up and wipe away my tears. I throw on a pair jeans and a baggy sweater to hide the fat and ugly beast in the mirror.
This is the routine I go through every morning. It's a struggle everyday. A constant struggle between the mirror and myself, and ofcourse ED. I think to myself How do I need to gain weight? I can see the fat here and there and everywhere.. It scares me alot. When I was first told I have Body Distortion Disorder I denied that I did and I actually still do alot..It's hard to believe that my eyes are pretty much broken. How is this possible? I wish I knew. I just really hope that one day I can really see myself..REALLY.
This is the routine I go through every morning. It's a struggle everyday. A constant struggle between the mirror and myself, and ofcourse ED. I think to myself How do I need to gain weight? I can see the fat here and there and everywhere.. It scares me alot. When I was first told I have Body Distortion Disorder I denied that I did and I actually still do alot..It's hard to believe that my eyes are pretty much broken. How is this possible? I wish I knew. I just really hope that one day I can really see myself..REALLY.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
A Quick Reminder..
Monday, March 14, 2011
SupportED
I dont think anyone really gets how much our eating disorder supports us in following it's unhealthy ways..If I restrict, ED tells me "Good Job" "You're so strong" or "Keep up the good work" And support is a key part in recovery that alot of people dont understand...I think if people, for example in my family, could be more supportive..When I eat anything I'm immediately told by my ED how terrible and disgusting I am..yet I dont ever get any positive feedback from the people who "want" me to get better. If I'm not being supported with trying to be healthier than why should I? I get way more support from my eating disorder when I'm being unhealthy. I've joined support groups, and have supportive people in recovery with me as well, but i still need that support from my family because they're the ones I have to live with, they're the ones I have to eat with, they're the ones who are going to be a part in my lives whether I like it or not. I know I need support, and I've reached out for it multiple times..but it never works out..and I'm back in the vicious cycle of turning to my ED for support.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
I HATE This!
I feel like I want to stop everything. The little progress i may have made this week..I cant handle it..I feel horrible..and my ED thoughts are consuming me.So many triggering things have happened in just this very day and I cant take it all..i just cant. Ive tried to take my mind off of it and use "coping skills" like drawing, watching a movie, and reading a magazine...but my eating disorder keeps poking at my brain..I feel like i'm going to lose it and explode into a million pieces. I want it all to stop. I hate this. I hate me
Im feeling so depressed today it's amazing that I'm able to plaster a fake smile on my face, and act like nothing's wrong..but there is so much that is. I want to curl up into a little ball and disappear :(
Im feeling so depressed today it's amazing that I'm able to plaster a fake smile on my face, and act like nothing's wrong..but there is so much that is. I want to curl up into a little ball and disappear :(
Friday, March 11, 2011
A tough Decision..
im faced with a tough decision...to try and recover with the help of my mom at my house..or go Inpatient..Alot of the time I'm against Inpatient..Although I like the safety and support that I receive in inpatient, it's not reality. All you're doing is changing the scenery, not the situation..In the end you have to leave and you're faced with the same problems that got you inpatient in the first place. My doctor's want me to begin gaining weight in inpatient, and also to get help for some of my mental issues. I dont know what to do..I feel like I cant recover in my own home, yet I dont think an inpatient center would help, if anything it would make things worse....
I have a month to try things at home..and if that doesnt work out...then inpatient I go :(
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Who Says You're not Beautiful?
I woke up, looked in the mirror and cried...literally. I was afraid my ED thoughts were going to control my whole day again.. But then I came across this new song. It helped so much and im feeling alot better. Listen to it for yourself..Listen closely to the lyrics. You are beautiful!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Who Am I?
I've realized that a big thing holding me back with recovery is the question of "who am I without anorexia?" I cant remember the person I was before, and the anorexia has become a part of me. Without it I feel like I'm normal, just some other face in the crowd. Nobody. But then I also think of who I am with anorexia. Which is practically a walking zombie. It's as if Im not dead but I'm not alive either. Im living in this little world that my eating disorder has pushed me into. The world is terrible and painful. But, at the same time it feels safe. The world has you convinced that thin=happiness. If i'm miserable now, I can lose a few pounds, than I'll be happy. But No. You never are happy. You have to keep losing more and more. But it's no longer to be happy. It's to be you. Because anorexia has snuck in. It was there with you all along and now your locked in it's chains, and it has become a part of you.
To begin true recovery, I have to find myself again. The old me. The happy me. I need that extra push. Not from my parents, not from my siblings, and not from my doctors, I need the push to come from within myself. I need to WANT to recover fully. I need to find that girl who used to be "Miss Happy Go Lucky". I need to find me again. I need to.
To begin true recovery, I have to find myself again. The old me. The happy me. I need that extra push. Not from my parents, not from my siblings, and not from my doctors, I need the push to come from within myself. I need to WANT to recover fully. I need to find that girl who used to be "Miss Happy Go Lucky". I need to find me again. I need to.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Living in a Nightmare
My body collapses into bed Im so tired, yet my mind is racing. Ed's voice is stronger than ever. Telling me how fat and ugly I am, making me feel guilty...having me count over and over every single calorie i put into my mouth that day. I want to cry and scream, or anything to drown out the voice that controls my thoughts every single minute of every day.
When I finally fall alseep, it's as if Ed is controlling my dreams too. Nightmares. So many nightmares, where I'm all alone, where i'm fat and disgusted with myself. When I wake up, it's as if I'm still dreaming..wanting to wake up...to get out of this nightmare.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
How it Feels
"Eating disorders are diseases of silence. We are all silently screaming for something: attention, love, help, escape or forgiveness. Although we might be looking to fill different voids, we never ask for the things we need. We feel unworthy, that for some reason we don't deserve them. So, we play the game of guess what I need from you. You're inability to guess just feeds our feelings of worthlessness.
When you finally realize there is a problem, it is much too late. We will now fight, lie, and cheat to hold on to the one thing that has given us support. You see the symptoms, weight loss, weight gain, or depression. You watch us starve, eat, purge, and isolate. You tell us to eat or not eat, to sleep or to get up and do something, you can't understand why we can't just get better.
If it were only that easy! Some of us have been living with this, like this, in this hell for half our lives or more. We honestly believe it is the thing holding us together. Even when all others see it as the thing that's making us crumble to pieces. It is not just a part of us, but it has become us. It is our identity and who are we without it? Many of us are afraid to find out. Fearing without it we are nothing.
It becomes our sole companion. It is the thing that makes us strong, so that we don't need, don't want and don't feel. It is our cape of invisibility. With it on you can not see us, you can not see our pain and shame, we begin to disappear. Slowly at first and then before you know it we are gone. Lost in a world of pain. Always fighting for control that we never seem to get.
In the beginning the control is easy and the high from it incredible. I can not eat for 4 days, I can exercise for 4 hours a day, or I can throw up everything I eat. I am in control. But somewhere along the road we lose that control and the eating disorder takes on a life of its own. We no longer control it. It controls us. We wake in the morning hearing it's voice and can't sleep at night because that voice is too loud.
We stop listening to anybody except our eating disorder. We believe we are fat, useless, unworthy, unlovable, and weak. We honestly believe that losing weight will on some level make things better. We wake up with thoughts of food; they consume us all day long, and often cause sleepless nights. It becomes all that matters. We listen to the voices that constantly tell us we are not good enough, thin enough, strong enough, a little more and then we can stop. But there's always a little more and it doesn't stop.
You may see us hurting ourselves and not understand; we do not really understand either. We know we must lose weight. We know we must punish ourselves when we feel guilt and shame. We use laxatives, exercise, sleep deprivation, and self-mutilation to take away the pain. Many of us get to the point where the pain is too much and the road so long, we decide it is just not worth it. Since we have no worth, the world will not miss us. If we could just disappear, the pain would go away and we would no longer hurt others with our problems.
Death becomes a way out. Can't live forever with an eating disorder, can't live without it. It becomes the question we will ponder for many, many years before having a definitive answer. Do I want to live? Why? Our reasons not to live may seem mundane to someone without an eating disorder. You can not feel our emptiness or understand our loneliness. We can't share this world of silence we have made for ourselves. It is the thing that may have saved us in the past and might kill us in the future.
You look at the consequence and can't imagine why we would do this to ourselves. We are losing our hair, rotting out our teeth, bleeding when we throw up or even just brush our teeth, dizzy, tired, dehydrated, malnourished, and mentally unstable. And at some point these things do scare us. The first time throwing up blood, passing out cold or being admitted is an eye-opening experience, but not usually enough to stop the behavior. Some of us might even see these consequences as reinforcement that we are succeeding at something. Look, I'm really good at being eating disordered!
To give that up would be giving up a piece of us that we aren't sure we can live without. It is with us in the morning, telling us to get on the scale for the first test of the day. Even if the number is down it's never good enough. Then taking a shower where we close are eyes because the sight of ourselves is so disturbing. Next is finding something to wear. This can take hours because nothing fits right and everything feels tight. After all of this it's time for breakfast? No way we can eat after that disappointing morning.
The day goes on in the same manor. Nothing is good enough, nothing quite right. So we push our selves to eat less, run faster, dance longer, whatever we are doing we must be the best. Then comes night, where the distractions of the day aren't there to drown out the voices. Sleep is difficult when thoughts of hopelessness, self-hate, failures and suicide ruminate for hours. So instead of trying to sleep many of us spend endless hours on our computers, exercising, reading, cleaning, anything to avoid sleeping. We eventually sleep usually for just a few short hours, and then the cycle begins again. Only now we have to beat the day before, weigh less, eat less, do more. By our side our faithful coach and partner filling our heads with criticism, demands and insults.
Although we say we hate the voices and the disorder. We don't hate it all. We love the high of seeing the number go down. We long for that empty, numb feeling that comes with starvation. We thrive on what begins as compliments and turns to worry about our weigh loss. Nothing gets rid of feelings the way throwing up does. The disorder is the thing that makes us feel strong and special, while at the same time letting us disappear and run away from life.
We will say we don't want your help. Sometimes because we are in denial and actually believe things are fine, sometimes we feel guilty receiving help, because we feel unworthy, and sometimes it has just gone on so long that we have given up hope and accepted that "I will live with this until it kills me".
When we say we don't want your help, those are the times we need it the most. We need you to stand up for us when we can barely stand, love us when we hate ourselves, hold our hope when we feel hopeless, and never give up on us, the way we give up our ourselves.
We will push you away. We will make you angry with us. We will tell you we don't need you and to leave us alone. We will throw temper tantrums and even throw food. We will close up and lock you out. We will blow off important appointments. We will do the things we've been told we can't, exercise, chew gum, drink Diet Coke.¦we will push every limit. We do not do these things to hurt you; we are just scared and feel threatened. You want us to give up something we can't imagine living without.
So be patient with us. Whether you're a parent, spouse, friend, therapist, or doctor; there will come a time when we realize what you have done for us. When we reach out for you and ask for help. When we will ease your burden and start to take care of ourselves. We will share more, smile more, and live more than you have seen us do in years. We may still have negative thoughts, be obsessed with food and body, and eat in a different manor than you, but we have taken a huge step in recovery and the rest will come in time. We may always have issues with food and body, but we now have outlets for out negativity and we know it is all right to ask for help. Just because our symptoms lessen does not mean we no longer need you. We will always need you"
When you finally realize there is a problem, it is much too late. We will now fight, lie, and cheat to hold on to the one thing that has given us support. You see the symptoms, weight loss, weight gain, or depression. You watch us starve, eat, purge, and isolate. You tell us to eat or not eat, to sleep or to get up and do something, you can't understand why we can't just get better.
If it were only that easy! Some of us have been living with this, like this, in this hell for half our lives or more. We honestly believe it is the thing holding us together. Even when all others see it as the thing that's making us crumble to pieces. It is not just a part of us, but it has become us. It is our identity and who are we without it? Many of us are afraid to find out. Fearing without it we are nothing.
In the beginning the control is easy and the high from it incredible. I can not eat for 4 days, I can exercise for 4 hours a day, or I can throw up everything I eat. I am in control. But somewhere along the road we lose that control and the eating disorder takes on a life of its own. We no longer control it. It controls us. We wake in the morning hearing it's voice and can't sleep at night because that voice is too loud.
We stop listening to anybody except our eating disorder. We believe we are fat, useless, unworthy, unlovable, and weak. We honestly believe that losing weight will on some level make things better. We wake up with thoughts of food; they consume us all day long, and often cause sleepless nights. It becomes all that matters. We listen to the voices that constantly tell us we are not good enough, thin enough, strong enough, a little more and then we can stop. But there's always a little more and it doesn't stop.
You may see us hurting ourselves and not understand; we do not really understand either. We know we must lose weight. We know we must punish ourselves when we feel guilt and shame. We use laxatives, exercise, sleep deprivation, and self-mutilation to take away the pain. Many of us get to the point where the pain is too much and the road so long, we decide it is just not worth it. Since we have no worth, the world will not miss us. If we could just disappear, the pain would go away and we would no longer hurt others with our problems.
Death becomes a way out. Can't live forever with an eating disorder, can't live without it. It becomes the question we will ponder for many, many years before having a definitive answer. Do I want to live? Why? Our reasons not to live may seem mundane to someone without an eating disorder. You can not feel our emptiness or understand our loneliness. We can't share this world of silence we have made for ourselves. It is the thing that may have saved us in the past and might kill us in the future.
You look at the consequence and can't imagine why we would do this to ourselves. We are losing our hair, rotting out our teeth, bleeding when we throw up or even just brush our teeth, dizzy, tired, dehydrated, malnourished, and mentally unstable. And at some point these things do scare us. The first time throwing up blood, passing out cold or being admitted is an eye-opening experience, but not usually enough to stop the behavior. Some of us might even see these consequences as reinforcement that we are succeeding at something. Look, I'm really good at being eating disordered!
To give that up would be giving up a piece of us that we aren't sure we can live without. It is with us in the morning, telling us to get on the scale for the first test of the day. Even if the number is down it's never good enough. Then taking a shower where we close are eyes because the sight of ourselves is so disturbing. Next is finding something to wear. This can take hours because nothing fits right and everything feels tight. After all of this it's time for breakfast? No way we can eat after that disappointing morning.
The day goes on in the same manor. Nothing is good enough, nothing quite right. So we push our selves to eat less, run faster, dance longer, whatever we are doing we must be the best. Then comes night, where the distractions of the day aren't there to drown out the voices. Sleep is difficult when thoughts of hopelessness, self-hate, failures and suicide ruminate for hours. So instead of trying to sleep many of us spend endless hours on our computers, exercising, reading, cleaning, anything to avoid sleeping. We eventually sleep usually for just a few short hours, and then the cycle begins again. Only now we have to beat the day before, weigh less, eat less, do more. By our side our faithful coach and partner filling our heads with criticism, demands and insults.
Although we say we hate the voices and the disorder. We don't hate it all. We love the high of seeing the number go down. We long for that empty, numb feeling that comes with starvation. We thrive on what begins as compliments and turns to worry about our weigh loss. Nothing gets rid of feelings the way throwing up does. The disorder is the thing that makes us feel strong and special, while at the same time letting us disappear and run away from life.
We will say we don't want your help. Sometimes because we are in denial and actually believe things are fine, sometimes we feel guilty receiving help, because we feel unworthy, and sometimes it has just gone on so long that we have given up hope and accepted that "I will live with this until it kills me".
When we say we don't want your help, those are the times we need it the most. We need you to stand up for us when we can barely stand, love us when we hate ourselves, hold our hope when we feel hopeless, and never give up on us, the way we give up our ourselves.
We will push you away. We will make you angry with us. We will tell you we don't need you and to leave us alone. We will throw temper tantrums and even throw food. We will close up and lock you out. We will blow off important appointments. We will do the things we've been told we can't, exercise, chew gum, drink Diet Coke.¦we will push every limit. We do not do these things to hurt you; we are just scared and feel threatened. You want us to give up something we can't imagine living without.
So be patient with us. Whether you're a parent, spouse, friend, therapist, or doctor; there will come a time when we realize what you have done for us. When we reach out for you and ask for help. When we will ease your burden and start to take care of ourselves. We will share more, smile more, and live more than you have seen us do in years. We may still have negative thoughts, be obsessed with food and body, and eat in a different manor than you, but we have taken a huge step in recovery and the rest will come in time. We may always have issues with food and body, but we now have outlets for out negativity and we know it is all right to ask for help. Just because our symptoms lessen does not mean we no longer need you. We will always need you"
Friday, March 4, 2011
Yay! Scale!
I reallly want this scale!!!It actually gives you compliments rather than numbers! The only time I actually step on an actual scale is at my weekly weigh-in with my treatment team. It's a blind weight but i still hate it! I hate how my progress it judged based on my weight! Eating disorders are not all about weight unlike tons of people think! Eating disorders are MENTAL illnesses. EMPHASIS on mental.
Rise and Shine?
I woke up this morning in a terrible mood. I hate days like this. I wake up feeling bad, and the rest of the day is all down hill. My ED thoughts struck me as soon as I got out of bed,
Here are some examples of what my eating disorder tells me on a regular basis:
"You're fat!"
"You're ugly!"
"You're worthless!"
"If you eat you're a failure!"
Ofcourse, if i follow ED's rules, im told "good job" and to "keep going!"
I'm really trying to fight my ED lately, but it's voice is hard to ignore. It feels like having someone behind your shoulder all the time screaming at how terrible and worthless you are.
I really hope my day get's better....
Here are some examples of what my eating disorder tells me on a regular basis:
"You're fat!"
"You're ugly!"
"You're worthless!"
"If you eat you're a failure!"
Ofcourse, if i follow ED's rules, im told "good job" and to "keep going!"
I'm really trying to fight my ED lately, but it's voice is hard to ignore. It feels like having someone behind your shoulder all the time screaming at how terrible and worthless you are.
I really hope my day get's better....
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Boosts and bendy straws...
One of the worst parts of the weight gain process has go to be the Boost Plus Drinks. At first I was like "these are actually pretty tasty" and now...like thousands of Boosts later, they make me wanna puke :p
Hi..first post!
I've seen many other people with blogger accounts, and I thought it would me nice to make one of my own. I guess I should start off by saying a little about myself. I'm 15, and currently in the tough battle with anorexia. It started about 2 years ago, and has gotten worse over time. I've also been diagnosed depression, anxiety, with Body-Distortion Disorder, which is when you see yourself in a different way than how others see you (ie. i see fat, everyone else sees me as thin). There are times when i dont know who to believe, my family and doctors, or my own two eyes. It's strange to be told your eyes are "broken" and it's hard to accept it and trust the people around me.
There are some days when I feel ok, and follow my meal plan, maybe even for a whole week! which ofcourse leads to DUH DUH DUHHH..weight gain. That's is the biggest thing I havent come to terms with. I dont want to gain weight ofcourse, I dont feel I need to.
I've been thinking alot lately about why I dont want to fully let go of my eating disorder...here are a few of my reasonings...
-It gives me a feeling of control
-It helps me feel safe
-Who am I without it?
- It's something I'm good at. I may not be the smartest, or best at sports in my family, but I'm the best at losing weight, and being anorexic.
- I see myself as fat, therefore I dont want to gain weight
- It's been with me for a long time, and has become almost like an addiction. I feel like I just NEED it.
Now, I know that there are "good things" that come with recovery. But a part of me feels like I'll be even more miserable if I try to recover.
I wish so much that I could go back to before everything got this bad and stop myself from starting that stupid diet. :(
Heres a pic of me right before my ED started getting bad ( im in the middle)
Heres one of my...recent photos...it's amazing how far a fake smile can go, I cant really remember the time I truly smiled, like FOR REAL, in a photo.
That's the end for this post !!!
There are some days when I feel ok, and follow my meal plan, maybe even for a whole week! which ofcourse leads to DUH DUH DUHHH..weight gain. That's is the biggest thing I havent come to terms with. I dont want to gain weight ofcourse, I dont feel I need to.
I've been thinking alot lately about why I dont want to fully let go of my eating disorder...here are a few of my reasonings...
-It gives me a feeling of control
-It helps me feel safe
-Who am I without it?
- It's something I'm good at. I may not be the smartest, or best at sports in my family, but I'm the best at losing weight, and being anorexic.
- I see myself as fat, therefore I dont want to gain weight
- It's been with me for a long time, and has become almost like an addiction. I feel like I just NEED it.
Now, I know that there are "good things" that come with recovery. But a part of me feels like I'll be even more miserable if I try to recover.
I wish so much that I could go back to before everything got this bad and stop myself from starting that stupid diet. :(
Heres a pic of me right before my ED started getting bad ( im in the middle)
Heres one of my...recent photos...it's amazing how far a fake smile can go, I cant really remember the time I truly smiled, like FOR REAL, in a photo.
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