Thursday, March 3, 2011

Hi..first post!

I've seen many other people with blogger accounts, and I thought it would me nice to make one of my own. I guess I should start off by saying a little about myself. I'm 15, and currently in the tough battle with anorexia. It started about 2 years ago, and has gotten worse over time. I've also been diagnosed depression, anxiety, with Body-Distortion Disorder, which is when you see yourself in a different way than how others see you (ie. i see fat, everyone else sees me as thin). There are times when i dont know who to believe, my family and doctors, or my own two eyes. It's strange to be told your eyes are "broken" and it's hard to accept it and trust the people around me. 

There are some days when I feel ok, and follow my meal plan, maybe even for a whole week! which ofcourse leads to DUH DUH DUHHH..weight gain.  That's is the biggest thing I havent come to terms with. I dont want to gain weight ofcourse, I dont feel I need to.

I've been thinking alot lately about why I dont want to fully let go of my eating disorder...here are a few of my reasonings...
-It gives me a feeling of control
-It helps me feel safe
-Who am I without it?
- It's something I'm good at. I may not be the smartest, or best at sports in my family, but I'm the best at losing weight, and being anorexic.
- I see myself as fat, therefore I dont want to gain weight
- It's been with me for a long time, and has become almost like an addiction. I feel like I just NEED it.

Now, I know that there are "good things" that come with recovery. But a part of me feels like I'll be even more miserable if I try to recover.

I wish so much that I could go back to before everything got this bad and stop myself from starting that stupid diet. :(

Heres a pic of me right before my ED started getting bad ( im in the middle)


 Heres one of my...recent photos...it's amazing how far a fake smile can go, I cant really remember the time I truly smiled, like FOR REAL, in a photo.


That's the end for this post !!!
Posted by at

3 comments:

  1. EveMarch 6, 2011 at 9:38 PM

    When I was on DS, I noticed you and was drawn by the strength of your posts. As a woman who is just beginning to touch the bonds of life, and learning to truly explore the world; the fact you're dealing with such a fight at such a young age is tragic. But it's also inspiring, empowering, and courageous. It's evident you have the will, the want, the courage to remain an advocate in this world and fight not only for your life, but to be a voice for this mental illness. THIS, above all else, is what defines you to me: a fighter for rights and understanding for a disorder that has been misunderstood for so long. You're not a disorder love, you're a fighter. You are strength. You are life. You are human and you are a force that will inspire others to hold onto hope, to push for another day, to succeed past their demons.

    I applaud you for making public your woes and struggles, by sharing your journey and letting others know that there is hope. Know that you're helping others to see themselves as something more poetic than an ED, and know that you're helping to make a HUGE difference in the world. Keep up the fight, stay strong, and know that there is always hope. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. SmileForHopeMarch 7, 2011 at 5:33 AM

    thank you so much :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Mz.BooOctober 1, 2011 at 6:42 PM

    I really like your blog, people are always saying you shouldn't write a blog about yourself because people won't care but people do care, I think it's great that you've started this blog, it will help on your road to recovery, and you'll get heaps of support from followers of this blog.

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)