Who Defines Beauty?

Positive Post

 I thought I should make a more positive post, since the last post/video wasnt too positive. So, here it goes.  Ive been thinking about recovery alot today since I had a check-in appointment with my doctor from the center I was inpatient at. You know being in recovery sucks some times, but honestly there are these moments that make it all the more worth it.  Those times when I can jump on a trampoline with my brother and not feel like I'm gonna pass out, when I can play with a puppy and not be thinking about how fat my thighs are, or how many calories I had today,ect, ect...Recovery isnt about  being perfect!!! You dont wake up everyday with an amazing attitude or a great body-image. You will have your bad days, you may slip up. BUT ITS OK!!!! True recovery is about looking in the mirror on those days where you feel terrible,fat, hopeless, like you wanna give up and telling yourself "You got this!" "You are beautiful and strong and HEALTHY" Oh and yeah, "HEALTHY IS A GOOD THING!" its a great thing and Im not just talking about weight restoration which some people focus too much on, im talking about mentally being able to think more clearly. Its about when you're brain is nourished more to the point where you have a stronger grip over your thoughts and actions. So that when  the ED voice is picking at your brain you can tell him to F-OFF!. Because its a great feeling knowing Im not 24/7 consumed with my ED, always engaging in behaviors or planning on engaging in behaviors . I have time to be ME! Play with puppies, dance, laugh, smile, go shopping, go to school, swim, go on a trampoline, hang out with friends, draw...LIVE! No one can take those things away from me..especially not that scumbag ED!!!! 

When I looked into my doctors eyes I could see that he was proud of me. He was grinning from ear to ear.....He's proud of me, so many people there are proud of me, people outside of there. So many people believe I can get through this. If they can feel those things, whats wrong with me feeling them? I have to give myself some credit right? So much of the time I'm picking at myself at all the little things I mess up on, when I should be focusing on the things Im doing well.

"So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit, Its when things seem worst that you must not quit"

My Secrets...

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

49 days.

49 days in an inpatient center. Fighting against my eating disorder. Fighting for ME.

 I think this is the first time in my life I've ever felt this happy and hopeful towards recovery. In those 7 weeks I met some amazing people, I've faced challenges, I've been finding myself.  Ive learned that I deserve recovery, that people like me for ME, not my eating disorder, I can make the choice to be positive and choose how I react to things,  that healthy is a good thing and that most importantly;  I have the strength to recover. It's been in me all along. I think it just took a little time for me to dig down deep and find it. Other times I thought I had to rely on other people to support me and push me through everything, for everyone to completely stop all the things they do that trigger me.....but honestly how realistic is that? Sure, support is definitely key in helping sustain my recovery, but I cant rely on everyone, and expect everyone to act the way I'd like. Because life's a trigger. Even if my Dad tapes his mouth shut so he cant yell or judge anymore, if my sibling stops talking about body image, i'm going to end up facing it in the outside world. And i have to be able to deal with it because turning to my eating disorder is not the option I want anymore. I've been practicing supporting myself and dealing with the triggers around me. Because these are the things that will make me stronger.

 If you were to talk to me 50 days ago, I would've told you that im a hopeless case. That there's no use anymore, no point in trying. But you know what this time to focus on myself has proved?! Im not hopeless, and i've been kicking EDs butt CONTINUOUSLY!

And i'm not gonna lie to you, at first this recovery process is painful, so so so uncomfortably painful. Everything. Eating, trying to fight and challenge ED's thoughts. But what I had to do was  PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE, fighting over and over again, fighting the urges. because overtime it does get easier and my recovery voice got stronger. Im laughing more than crying. Sure, ive had some bad moments, heck, i've had bad days, But you know what? The worst days in recovery are better than the best days in relapse.

 "But, as bad as it was, I learned something about myself. That I could go through something like that and survive. I mean, I know it could have been worse—a lot worse—but for me, it was all I could have handled at the time. And I learned from it."

And let me tell you this feeling is so worth it. Its worth the tears when I got an NG tube  , when I eat a fear food, when I feel so ugly and fat, when my nutritionist tells me she's adding food. Because at the end of the day I feel an overwhelming amount of strength in myself. If i can fight my inner demon, the thing that abuses me the most, that manipulates me, that tries to consume me, what CANT i do?

Anna Rexia

Do you want in on the latest halloween costume this year? No, its not the Jersey Shore cast, nor lady GaGa
Meet a new halloween on shelves.."Anna Rexia". The costume includes a black body suit with a skeleton imprint,  bone headband, a heart name tag, measuring tape ribbon and a measuring tape choker. AND ironically the costume is featured in Plus-size.

I. Am. Outraged.    

As if the media doesnt glamorize eating disorders already!!! Now you can dress up as a deadly disease which has taken the lives of hundreds of thousands of sufferers.
When I first found out about this costume I felt sick to my stomach. My eating disorder has ruined me mentally, and physically and people are actually making a joke out of it!
I just wish the creators of this costume knew the true reality of eating disorders, because if they did I'm sure they wouldnt have created it.

Trying to Break Free...

I wanted to start this post with a little update, since it's been awhile. About 6 weeks after leaving Remuda, my health got worse and worse. I had to be hospitalized, then sent inpatient at a hospital called the Lindner Center. I spent 16 days in there! Then shortly after I began partial hospitalization since my insurance only covered a certan number of days. Im currently in the parttial program..but  my insurance could stop paying any day now, and it terrifies me, because Im not ready. Not in the least. In the program what ive been trying to focus most on is trying to find motivation or hope in recovery, as well as trying to separate myself from my ED identity.  I decided to write a letter to my ED, to help me try and separate the two of us. Because, the real, true, happy, bubbly Kassidy is still here..just really deep down..and I want to unleash her again.

Dear ED, 

   Im writing you this letter because i'm sick and tired of your constant abuse. Because of  you, I feel anxious and terrified of one of the biggest things I need in order to survive. I've used you to feel a greater sense of control. But, what Ive realized is you end up giving me anything but CONTROL, because you take that away from me. It's always ED running my life, never Kassidy.
   I have no real relationships because 24/7 I'm consumed in an abusive relationship with you. Because of you, I've lost myself. I was once a happy, confident, bubbly child. Now....I dont know who I am.
   I want to be happy again! I want to have friends! I want to smile in the mirror! I want to enjoy my birthday cake! And, most of all, I want to LIVE! something I cant do with you in my life.
   This is not only a letter, but a breakup. I am breaking up wit you. I dont deserve your abuse. I can and WILL cut the ties I have with you! I know it wont be easy, but it will DEFINITELY be worth it.

Sincerely NOT yours,
Kassidy

Hopeless???

I honestly dont know what to do anymore. Ive never hated myself this much or felt so hopeless my whole life. My anorexia keeps getting worse and worse, and has completely taken all control. I've gotten to the point where I cant even glance in a mirror without hearing "You're FAT!" or "Lose more weight!"

I recently had a dietitian appointment, and all she told me was she doesnt know what else to do, and I need more intense care.She told me she's worried about the condition of my physical and mental health right now. But honestly, Im not worried. Not one bit. Because, I honestly dont care what happens to me anymore. Im not strong enough to fight this disorder on my own.    My mom is in the process of applying me for a scholarship to get me back full time at Remuda Ranch but, there's only about a 1 in a million chance i'd get in because thousands of people apply and only 2 scholarships are being given away.

I feel like my whole life has fallen apart.
I feel alone.
 and depressed.
and I need help.

 I cant do this.

i'M ALIVE!!!

This is my first blog entry since my stay at Remuda Ranch and Remuda LIFE. As many of my readers know I was sent to Arizona to this treatment center because I've been really struggling with my ED. Sadly though, my stay at Remuda was cut short due to insurance coverage

I can honestly say I'm nowhere ready to be home right now. Almost nothing has changed since leaving for Remuda.
Rather than going on about the negatives of my experience there, I'd like to state some of the positives; For instance, the support at Remuda is truly amazing. Staff is helpful, but I think that the group of girls I was surrounded with was truly amazing. I am extremely grateful for the support and kind words from many of the patients whom I was with there. Also, I did learn a few skills at Remuda. But, I think the one I could truly commit to is just plain distraction skills, especially during meal times. Another thing I gained from being at Remuda was a little more appreciation, and less fear of food. Im even making one of the recipes I learned there tonight!

Now, Im sure you want to here about some of the negatives, so I'll go ahead and tell you of the one that stood out the most; the groups, especially at Remuda LIFE werent very helpful. The best therapy at Remuda was just talking with all the girls. Especially since everyone dreaded going to the groups, and even the therapist or nurse leading the group seemed uninterested. I think it wouldve been a better experience if the patients got to choose what they wanted to learn rather than the subject of each group being chosen ahead of time .

My memories from Remuda can never be forgotten. It was a very inspirational experience. It still puts a smile on my face thinking about the many girls at Remuda who were so hopeful and really wanted recovery. I really wish I were like that! Because, right now I'm feeling really hopeless, and a greater part of me doesnt want recovery. I really, desperately want to be free of ED, but I cant help the yearning feeling I have for it each day, for all the things it does give me (i.e; identity, control, companionship,expression, safety)

For now, all I can say is that  I'm just taking one day at a time and I hope that one day down the road I can be free and happy with my body,food,  mind, and life!

The Letter...

I got a letter today.
Who from?
Me, 8 months ago.
It was a letter I wrote to myself while in my first week in a partial-hospitalization.
I had to write what was going on in my life at that moment in time and what I hope to accomplish by the time I received the letter again.

My eyes filled with tears as I read through the letter...

Here are a few excerpts:


"I hope that by the time you read this I will be healthier, and enjoying a healthier lifestyle"
No and No.
"I hope that by the time I read this i'll be able to smile at my reflection in the mirror"

No

"I hope that things will be better at home"

Not even close...

Not ONE of the things I'd hoped to happen has happened. 

Not ONE.

Zero 

And, it makes me think that maybe I'll never be able to have those things. Maybe I'll never reach a healthy weight. Maybe I'll never smile at my reflection. Maybe things at home will never get better. Maybe I'll never recover.

And I apologize,To my former self. The letter reminded me of a time when I felt hopeful, like there was a chance I could recover.
What happened to her?
I need to find her again.
I want to want recovery. But right now I dont. And I dont know how I can make myself want it again.

"Hope is the thing with feathers.."

The wind rushes through my hair as the freshly cut grass prickles at my skin. I  hear a loud noise and I turn my head in its direction to see a bird. It's chirping jubilantly. It's wing is cut and it twitches as the bird arches into the ground and quickly emerge with a worm. It devours it and begins to fly off . After a few feet off the ground it collapses. The bird arises and wobbles hesitantly. It begins to try and take off again. It's body leaps into the air. This time it rises higher and higher, it's body trembling, and soon it is gone.

   Right now I am that bird. But I have yet to take another chance at flying. Instead, I stay to the ground. I am damaged. It feels much easier this way. It would be the same for the bird, to stay on the ground rather than fly back into the sky and take a chance at falling or risking further injury.
I'm scared. I admit it.
    Ive crawled back into my comfort zone, my ED. I feel like it's taken over once again. Im afraid to try and separate myself from my ED again. I'm afraid of what will happen in the future without it. I feel like it defines me, it supports me, it is me, or atleast, a part of me.  Right now, I don't want recovery. At all.
   But , recently Ive thought more about what happened to that bird. Yes, it may have fallen back down, but for that moment. It was free, it was beautiful. I haven't  felt free in years because of my ED. I want freedom and I hope this can serve as some sort of motivation for me to try and get back on track

Semi-Sweet 16

As of yesterday I am officially 16!!!
Who wouldnt be excited?
ME.
The truth is, I'm terrified
Growing up makes me think of having to graduate soon, and moving out soon, and being on my own. And, when I think of being alone, it makes me think of my eating disorder. It makes it so easy to give into when I'm by myself.
For the past month in a half, Ive been struggling very much with my ED. Things in my life are crazy stressful right now, and i've been doing badly with using ED as a coping method.
Even on my birthday, all I had all day was a conflict with my ED. My family was going to go to Red Robin for a special birthday dinner and, at the last minute, I decided to go. And I'm so glad I did. I had a great time and I enjoyed the food. Though I wasnt able to finish all of it, I still consider it a great success! This was the first time I've challenged my ED in a long, long time, and it turned out even better than I imagined.

So, for everyone struggling with an ED, I encourage you to challenge him. Im not saying it's easy. But it's very much worth it.

"Dont let the sadness of your past and your fear of the future ruin the happiness of your present"



Beauty isn't a Number...

I stood in the Kohls dressing room.
The room next to me I overheard a woman complaining about how the size 9 jeans she was trying on were too tight and the sizes at this store are "messed up". She went on to say that she'd rather go to Old Navy so that she would fit into her usual 9. The woman could've easily gotten the next size up and bought the jeans here. It made me think,  how much numbers can mess with our heads.

When I arrived home, I did some research . I read an article about how many stylists who dress celebrities cut out the sizes in their clothing because they know that celebrity wont wear something that is over the size they think they are. It sounds ridiculous, how a little number on a piece of cloth can make or break someones' confidence and view of themselves.

For people with ED's it can be a nightmare shopping, especially for jeans or shorts. It's a big trigger for me and probably for you too.  I know that one day, once I get back to a healthier weight, I'm going to have to slip out of those size zeros.

Once I put ED aside and thought about the worst thing that could happen with having to go up in sizes someday, my mind went blank. The world isnt going to end. No one is going to die. Nothing would be different. It's just a pair of cloth. Each brand makes their sizes differently. Changing sizes wont change my, or anyone else's level of beauty.  Beauty is not defined in the size of your jeans or the number on the scale. Beauty is what people see inside you not on you.



Lapses are NORMAL!

I feel as though I havent made a blog post in FOREVER, even though it's really only been a few weeks. So I apologize to anyone who is used to reading my blog posts more frequently. These past few weeks I have been really struggling. Mentally and Physically. I'm disappointed to say that I have given in to some of my ED urges. BUT I do plan on getting back on track as soon as I can.I have been hesitant on blogging due to the fact that I created this blog to help myself and others on their journey to recovery. But I've realized something. Lapses/slip ups are a part of recovery! it's normal!YES, Normal.  I shouldn't be disappointed in myself, the more time I spend being upset with how I've done badly I could be using on better things like trying to make myself happy, so that then i can get back on track with recovering.

So, for all of you with ED's out there, it's ok if you slip up! Ofcourse it's not the BEST thing to happen. Staying on track the whole way is the best way. But is it the most realistic? NO. We all make mistakes. We all have given into ED once or twice while on our road to recovery. SO WHAT?

The thing that REALLY matters is how we push ourselves back up from these slips in recovery. And, I know that i'm capable of doing this, as are you. So, bring it ED!

Walk Away from a Broken Machine

"She had gone to the snack area to quench her thirst. She properly inserted her dollar bill and made a selection. The soda machine rattled, but nothing came out. So, she inserted more and more money. She hit the "coin return" button but no money was returned. Then, she started to scream at the machine. In a fit of frustration, she shook and hit the machine. No matter how much time, energy and money she invested, the soda would not come out. The machine was clearly broken. She had to choose whether to continue to fight all day with the soda machine or accept her loss and walk away toward more fulfilling activities in her life. She could continue to invest time, energy, and more money in this machine, or she could choose to cut her losses and walk away. She chose to walk away and give up the battle against the broken machine."

This is a huge metaphor for something, I, and possibly many of you are dealing with. I'm able to connect this fiasco to my problem. It's not her fault the machine was broken. She did everything possible for it to work. And she deserved the soda, but  fixing  this machine was out of her control. Likewise my family is broken. I deserve, and as do you, a supportive family. Theres nothing I can do to change my family. They are the way they are. Just adding more money wouldnt make the soda machine work, dropping pounds wont make my family more supportive or love me more. I can not control any of this. The only thing i can control is how I react to these feelings of loneliness and worthlessness.  I can either keep hurting and wasting away my life for something that will never happen, or I can accept that my family is "broken" and focus on moving on with my life.

I'm working to stop putting money into my "family machine"..It's very hard to accept..but I know that I will be able to, and one day move on with my life. You will too.

A House is Not a Home

"So you don't care about any of us?"My brother asked as the rest of my family stared up at my father who was peering in the opposite direction.

"I don't care anymore" My dad replied hastily as he left the room.
I held my younger brother as he began to cry."It's going to be OK" I told him repeatedly. My other siblings sat in awe. 'What now?' I thought.

   There are no words to describe the disaster that occurred in my house last night. It feels like every possible thing that could go wrong in a household has gone wrong. Anorexia, body-distortion disorder, self-injury, depression, issues from sexuality, money problems/debt, verbal abuse, anger issues, victims of bullying, self-esteem issues, perfectionism..and much more.

   A big trigger for me is feeling unsafe. I use my eating disorder to help me feel safe, it acts as a safety blanket. And last night, I felt anything but safe. And still do.

  Since then, I've really been trying to use my coping skills, and they've been working pretty well but I still feel very uneasy and anxious about everything

   And to top it all off, my mom mentioned to me again that she may have to put me in inpatient for a second time. This actually surprised me.Lately I have been following my meal plan much more than ever before, but I know that I can do better.  I really have to prove myself worthy of recovery at home.

"The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most

Just gotta keep going"- The Climb. Miley Cyrus

What I Want to Do...

I've been told my many therapists and doctors that thinking about what I want to accomplish in the future would help get me through some of my ED struggles. Of course, each time I was told this, I ignored it and thought That would never help.  That was untill recently I decided to actually take time and make a list of the things I want to do. Here it is....

What I Want to Do...

1. Pig out at the movie theater
2. Choose food not based on its calorie content
3. Graduate high school
4. Never have to drink Boost again
5. Cook a full course meal, and actually eat it!
6. Get my driver's license
7. Eat Chinese food
8. Join an art class
9. Indulge in cake on my birthday
10. Speak fluent French
11. Rock a bikini without feeling self-conscious
12. Accept and embrace my imperfections
13. Exercise for fun
14. Wear Victoria's Secret clothes, that don't hang off my body
15. Enjoy Thanksgiving rather than fearing it
16. Have my first kiss
17. Go to a party and dance like no ones watching
18. Soak in the beauty of a sunset
19. Experience a sunrise it its' true glory
20. Join a dance class
21. Do yoga
22. Be able to tell someone "I beat anorexia"
23. Go to Disney World
24. Meet a celebrity and get their autograph
25. Break the mirror with my confidence:)
26. Allow myself to eat desserts without feeling guilty
27. Go to college or art school
28. Visit the Grand Canyon
29. Join an aerobics class
30. Redecorate an entire room
31. Write a book
32. Move to California
33. Experience true love
34. Get married
35. Have kids
36. Go to the Bahamas
37. Get a job I enjoy
38. Get my own car
39. Plant my own garden
40. Swim with dolphins
41. Go to Hawaii
42. Have my dream home
43. Spend Christmas on the beach
44. Fly
45. Smile...ALOT!

I encourage you all to make your own lists as well... I wish you all can accomplish your dreams, free from ED, or anything that may be holding you back..One day I will fly.. and you will too.

Tumblr...

I started a tumblr blog a few months ago. I think seeing inspirational pictures, as well as quotes is very helpful and I know that it is for alot of other people in recovery as well. The link is included below..ENJOY :)

http://witthluv.tumblr.com/

"Under all that we think, lives all we believe." and I think that my tumblr blog really expresses the things I believe, and want others to believe about life, beauty, and happiness.

For a Reason...

My therapist eyed me intently "If you could go back in time" she asked, "what would you change?"
"Nothing" I replied.   She gave me a strange look, and I nodded and repeated; "Nothing"

    There's a huge part of me that wishes I could go back to before my eating disorder began, when it was only a simple diet, and stop myself, somehow.  But, I believe that everything happens for a reason.  I think my eating disorder is preparing for something, I'm not quite sure what, but i know that I'm not going through this suffering for no reason.

I Stand In a Crowded Mall......

I stand. In a crowded mall. Surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of people. Yet, I feel so alone. I shuffle into an open store and search through the racks and racks of clothes. Sizes. Large, Medium, and even Smalls.. I need to find the extra small, the 00. And there isn't anything..I leave the store with nothing...

It's amazing how I can see the sizing as ExtraSmall, yet see myself as being a Large. I know that this is how it is for other people struggling with anorexia as well. I feel like the number is lying to me, like it was a misprint for the sizing, or so ED tells me...

I guess the good thing I can take out of this experience is motivation. Motivation to gain weight, and get healthy, and beat ED and fit into all those cute clothes.

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced."

Broken Eyes

I lay on the floor, curled up into a ball with tears streaming down my face, surrounded by piles of clothes I've tried on everything and I cant stand the sight of myself in any of them. I finally stand up and wipe away my tears. I  throw on a pair jeans and a baggy sweater to hide the fat and ugly beast in the mirror.

This is the routine I go through every morning. It's a struggle everyday. A constant struggle between the mirror and myself, and ofcourse ED. I think to myself How do I need to gain weight? I can see the fat here and there and everywhere.. It scares me alot. When I was first told I have Body Distortion Disorder I denied that I did and I actually still do alot..It's hard to believe that my eyes are pretty much broken.  How is this possible? I wish I knew. I just really hope that one day I can really see myself..REALLY.